"Why me?"
  by: AditiJ

When I was three years old I had my first petit mal seizures. So we went to the neurologist and had an EEG done. My neurologist said I was fine and it was just a marginal abnormality but nothing to worry about. A few months before my eleventh birthday the petit mal seizures started coming back. So we went to the same neurologist and had an EEG again. This time there was a significant abnormality. So we started medicine first only in the morning. Then morning and night. Then morning, afternoon, and night. I was controlled with the petit mal seizures for about two months. Then three days after my eleventh birthday I had a seizure. I was sitting with my teacher after school working on an algebra problem when I collapsed. The next thing I remember was the caring face of a paramedic standing over me. I was rushed to the ER where my mom met me. We answered what seemed to be lengthy and silly questions about myself. We went to the neurologist and had another EEG. My neurologist said that there was a chance that this was an isolated grand mal seizure and nothing to worry about so we didn't worry. After a few more months I had another seizure. We started looking into possile medicines which include Lamictal, Depakayde, and Topomax. After about a month of thinking and another seizure we decided on Lamictal. I've been on Lamictal for about five months now and I had a seizure just 9 days ago. So, then my doctor perscribed Lorazepam. Lorazepam is only FDA approved to relieve anxiety but my doctor thought that it would work for me so she perscribed it. One night as I lay in bed at a residental camp I attended this summer I talked to my friend about life with epilepsy and a single tear trickled down my cheek. I keep asking, 'why me?' I didn't do anything to deserve this and although I have a heriditary connection on my paternal side. I still don't understand. School starts in less than a month and my hope is that my Lamictal dosage will be stabilized and I'll be able to focus on school. See, I really love school and get really good grades. I don't want a medical condition that I can't control to take over my academic career. I try and count my blessings I could have a terminal disease. But, sometimes I think I don't know never knowing when a seizure is going to strike and always having a dreaded fear of getting hurt in the process that's pretty scary. Sometimes, people around me make fun of me because I have seizures. I try and ignore them and not listen besides I wouldn't want to be friends with these people anyway. But it doesn't lessen the hurt of being made fun of for something I can't control. I hope someday there will be a cure for this monster epilepsy that can control people's lives. But, more so I hope the ignorance stops and people realize what people with epilepsy have to go through on a regular basis. That these people don't sympathize but empathize our sacrifices and our fears. I hope that someday we'll know, 'Why me?'